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F2NV
Joined
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1,740 Posts
How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?

A- They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.


how can you tell a Harley is out of oil?

A- it stops leaking
 

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Pat (Patrick!)
Joined
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11,222 Posts
Why is there always a pick-up Truck following a group of Harleys?

To pick up the parts that fell off!
 

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Pat (Patrick!)
Joined
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11,222 Posts
Little Billy told his mother: "I want to be a Biker, when I grow up!"
Billy's Mother replied that he "had to choose one, or the other!"
 

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Fah q 2
Joined
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2,690 Posts
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...

"Try doing it with the engine running!"
 

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Fah q 2
Joined
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2,690 Posts
A ten year-old boy was walking
down the street when a big man on
a black motorcycle, pulls up beside
him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go
for a ride?"

"No!", said the boy, and he kept on
walking. The motorcyclist pulls up
to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll
give you $10 if you hop on the
back"

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded
down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the
boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll
give you $20 and a BIG bag of
candy if you hop on the back for a
ride."

At this point the boy turns around
to him and screams angrily, "Look
Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so
YOU ride it!!
 

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Pat (Patrick!)
Joined
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11,222 Posts
A ten year-old boy was walking
down the street when a big man on
a black motorcycle, pulls up beside
him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go
for a ride?"

"No!", said the boy, and he kept on
walking. The motorcyclist pulls up
to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll
give you $10 if you hop on the
back"

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded
down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the
boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll
give you $20 and a BIG bag of
candy if you hop on the back for a
ride."

At this point the boy turns around
to him and screams angrily, "Look
Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so
YOU ride it!!
:notworth:You win!:notworth:
(Even though I also own a Honda...)
 

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Fah q 2
Joined
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2,690 Posts
The 9 types of customers at a motorcycle shop

El explicito: "I tried to start it, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now it doesn't, ya know?"
Advantages: Provides interesting communication challenges.
Disadvantages: So do chimps.
Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns.
Real case: One user walked up to a certain shop with $58/hr shop rates and said, "I can't get it started!" The shop manager leaned back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well, you've come to the right place". KA-CHIINNGG!!!!

Mad bomber
: "Well, I changed the jets, cleaned the bowls, re-ported it, got some new aftermarket parts for here, and here, and here, and now it looks all weird".
Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages: Has a tendency to buy parts from Mongolia or Lower Slobobia.
Symptoms: More than six hours spent fixing his bike for every hour riding it.
Real case: One guy pushed his bike into the shop, complaining that his newly-installed fuel system was strangling his engine. Found he'd put packing into the filter bowl, instead of the actual filter.
Frying pan/fire tactician: "I didn't have a stock widget, so I used these metal pieces I found in the bottom of my tool box and McGyverred them to fit".
Advantages: Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms: A tendency to use whatever is closest, at the time, to substitute for OEM parts (and don't even ASK me about specs).
Real case: One guy didn't have the right gasket, so he used cardboard and superglue instead. The dude said, "Well, that was the only way I could get it back together!"

Shaman: "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and Formalhaut was above the horizon, I jiggled the choke, hit the starter, and lo, it did start!"
Advantages: Gives insight into primitive mythology.
Disadvantages: Few bikers are anthropology majors.
Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelevant objects.
Real case: One guy complained that his bike had problems starting if there was a heavy rain. Asked the mechanic to check the bike's starter system while another guy aimed a hose at both the mechanic and the bike, to simulate a heavy rain.

X-user: "You know how much torque... um, power train, er, quite impressive, really".
Advantages: Demands top of the line or cutting edge performance on some or all systems.
Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the top of the line or cutting-edge motorcycle technology.
Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness, occasional drool.
Real case: Guy (with a babe on his arm) regaled her about the awesome power of a Ninja and it's "overdrive" gear, capable of speeds above 140 mph.

Miracle worker: "But it turned over fine last weekend!" 'Sir, at a guess, this battery has been decomposing since last fall'.
Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages: People complain when scon actually use the word 'horse-puckey'.
Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.

Real case: Battery with three empty cells, maybe a quarter inch of deposit in four cells, and five which will not hold a charge, and an owner who swears, SWEARS, that the battery cranked the bike fine until last weekend.

Taskmaster: "I want to put my palm-top HP computer on my tank bag and run it off the AC adapter; I thought we (meaning the mechanic) might create a way for me to draw power off the battery. Then I can check my e-mail on long straight stretches, with this cordless fax-modem".
Advantages: Bold new challenges.
Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendencies to make machines do things they don't want to do.
Real case: One guy wanted to put a 3 disk CD changer and play into his saddlebag - on a Honda ST1100 (and this was about 2 years before J&M came up with the tools to do this).

Maestro: "Well, first I sat on the bike, like this. Then I moved the bike to the vertical position. Then I lifted the kickstand. Then I put the key into the ignition. Then I hit the starter button. But the bike sputters but won't start!"
Advantages: Willing to show you, in exact detail, what they did that 'caused' the problem.
Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what was the ERROR?" and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that".
Real case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a lady rider's shoulder while she continuously tried to start a bike which, as it turns out, didn't have any gasoline in the "main", but had plenty when switched to "reserve".

Princess: (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) "I need a Beemer like James Bond rode, and someone's got the last one in stock, like that reserved. Would you please garrote him and put him in the used oil can bin so I can get the bike?"
Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on this planet.
Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
Real case: One guy came into a Harley dealership, to order a bike like Brando rode in "The Wild One" (which, as we all know, was a Triumph from the UK), then indignantly refused to believe Brando didn't ride a Harley, nor that the bike was no longer produced ("I saw one just like it the other day!").
 

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V's and Z's
Joined
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4,093 Posts
Divorce court Judge told Mickey "I'm sorry, Mickey, but I can't grant you a divorce just because you think Minnie's crazy."

Mickey said in his high-pitched voice "I didn't say she's crazy. I said she's phuckin Goofy."

I don't have any motorcycle jokes
 

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on the hwy to hell
Joined
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5,025 Posts
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

Why Motorcycles are better than women

Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.
• You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.
• You can choke your motorcycle.
• Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
• Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.
• Motorcycles don't snore.
• Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
• Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.
• You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle.
• If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
• If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
• If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
• If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
• If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
• If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
• If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
• If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
• It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
• Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
• Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
• Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
• Motorcycles don't have parents.
• Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
• Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
• Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
• Motorcycles last longer.
• Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
• Motorcycles' curves never sag.
• New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
• When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
• You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
• You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
• You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
• You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
• You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
• You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
• You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that • Motorcycles are equals.
• You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
• You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
• You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn.
• Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
• Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
• Your Motorcycle doesn't car what you're wearing when you take it out.
• Wearing two fresh rubbers makes riding a bike MORE enjoyable.
• The rashes you get from motorcycles go away without those painful IM Penicillin shots.
• One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.
• Disassembling the motorcycle is done out of pleasure rather than need.
• Motorcycles always sound pleasant.
• Unlike women FAT motorcycles aren't cheap dates.
 
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